"Unanswered Questions??"

Where does it all end? The pain, the sorrow, the bleak notion of tomorrow...where does it all end?

What causes it all to explode finally, in a rainbow of flesh and gristle, raining down on blind men who can only smell the fear but not see it reflected in those blank eyes?

What gives this rabid fear birth in an expulsion of life-breath? What causes it all?

Where does it gain momentum? In the heart, in the scurrying mind or in the jumpy nerve endings behind the knees and eyes that cause the body to spin and fall in nervous anxiety?

Where does it come alive?

"Symphony of Thoughts"

Every single day used to be a new day for me. The things that happen everyday used to be the same though. But now, everything has changed. Many new incidents, some for the good, some for the bad...some for both. But one thing has definitely changed - No one is the same anymore....

Dark shades of emotions cross me by everyday
The dementor hovers over
Sucking the happiness out of me
Whether there is anything to be happy about
Is food for thought
Kaleidoscope of thoughts
They twist and turn
Make shadows in the void filling my head
Sudden balls of fire
Breathing and angry
Seldom avoidable
Spread over my thoughts
Like butter on bread
Sheilding me from seeing sense
The fury angst, temper
Filling me for reasons unknown
Camouflage my true
Intentions, Intuitions, Goals
IN LIFE...

"???"

I hate to see what I have become,
The things I had to do, to fantasize my happiness.
Deep inside, I know I am being the person I am not.
I burnt my finger in doing this,
And, that did not mean anything.
Cant see myself fall. Have seen that too many times before.
I am washing this paint off my face,
And I aint painting any more.

"My Angel"

I walk alone
This empty street
Nothing all around me
Makes me lose belief
I don't know how
To face the truth
You are no longer with me
In this bitter cold
Somehow..
I can still feel you
I can still hold you
I can still talk to you
I know you are up there
Still here somewhere
All through wherever I go
I feel u around
Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Everyday
Every step along the way
Even though for now
I have said goodbye
I know you will be forever in my mind
I LOVE YOU, My Apple Pie
You will be with me always

PS : A tribute to a dear friend, Ananditha aka Ana, whom I had to bid bye forever... I lost her a year ago to cancer... I have known her since our huggie days.... Love her for her grit, Admire her for her courage, Respect her for her convictions and Adore her for her compassion.

"Painful Delight"

Out of the shadow came
A fluttering butterfly
Like a Little child's dreams
Innocent and pure
A frozen state of mind
Just for tonight
Just for one night

You send that tingle up me
It starts from my heart ends on my lips
And even if it’s just for a moment
You make my heart smile

Its all coming crashing down
We lived with each other in that fleeting moment
Our love is tailor made
Let go of all inhibitions they say
Let’s just give into these mixed emotions
Together entwined inside a bubble
You make me smile holding me tight
I can hear your fast beating heart

Now hold my hand
It’s a start

"Entwined!!"

Coiled in comfortable care
I feel things you never bother to say
When you whisper in my ears
I hear strange music that simply enchants

I might be a poet
But, I only write while you live my words
In the quietness we share at times
A colossal lifetime speeds by

Amidst doubts, confusions and head aches
You come flying to dispel every morsel of pain
Raining on a very parched me
Cleansing me of every woe

We sit entangle like strands of hair
Making a lovely braid
Never stop whispering to me
Lets follow the colours & see it leave us behind

"Chasing"

I'm going back to the start
I have to find you
Hear all your secrets
Hear you say you love me
Answer all your doubts
Let you know how lovely you are
Put the puzzles together
Forget the science of reason
Chase lose ends
Run into a smile
Haunt you
Feel safe in your arms
So much awaits
I sit alone only for now..

"Seeing Double"

Why are we all hypocrites?
Why do we have two sides?
Why does everything have two sides?
Why confuse the world with black and white, shades of grey even?
Why be different with different people?
How do we all possess the immense potential to pretend, and yet only identify it in everyone else?
How can I ask myself 'Who I'm' when I'm not sure myself?
Who am 'I'?

"Incomplete"

Sweet notes, dialogues and sharp lights
A plethora of colour and emotions
I witnessed one day
Tormented by passion and an urge to complete
A journey began when suddenly
I was swept off my feet by the blue green eyed angel
In her arms I struggled to understand
How to make things work and get a magical spear
The lilies she left me each day
Smiled wilting away every night
Until the final day came and it all made sense
My heart she had and she had won
A meaning to momentary existence
Efforts and pains.
Now all that is left is a box of fond memories
Like assorted chocolates gift wrapped for my niece
Magic and belief combined
Lovely bonds were formed in the process
No regret
Only a feeling….
Much too complex to be penned down.

"Mirroring a Mirage"

I am a mirage and I mirror my reflection..
The world I see is outside me and the one I feel inside..
My mind and heart entangle and perform a charm..
They sit aloof and mock at me sometimes..
Shining glass I am polised and determined never to scar..
I only reflect I am a mirror I cannot see through..
Sometimes only a shadow appears..
Now my journey into the oblivion awaits me..
My search of a clarity continues......

"Transitory Existence"

So another year has gone by.
Some extraordinary moments it comprised.
Chills down the spine and heart wrenching ones to make me cry.
I had no resolutions so no disappointments there.
I haven’t had any epiphany,
So no great philosophies to share here.
Just the occasional bruises and scratches.
Nothing serious.
I will survive.

2008
The definitive year
I want to live it. But then who doesn’t.
What I want to do?
LOTS.
What I can do?
I would like to find out.

There are secrets and mysteries still left for me to discover and that gives me joy. I can love freely and feel anything I want to and no one can stop me and that makes me happy. I can sing in my bathroom and pretend to be the best singer alive and that makes me chuckle. I might be small but I feel big in my right and that makes me proud. If the world gets to me I can make a run for it. The heavy heart sinks with the sun.

Twisted words and blank pages
Random rooms and pretensions
Head pushed under water
Patterns of gold on the blue you see
Aqua fresh life dancing beneath
Breathe easy
Under water it gets harder even if its heavenly

"Incognito"

This evening a couple of my friends took me to the newest sheesha hangout in Cochin - Sand Dunes. While we just reached the place, the Rain God decided to shower us with his blessings in abundance. The ambience of the place did make a deep impression and I was astonished by the concept of hookah joint in my very own city.

As we parked ourselves into the plush decor, surrounded by tons of cushions, my soul lightened and I experienced an awe inspiring feeling of nirvana.
As we drew our first drags of the magnificent hookah, the smoke formulated by the human exhaust along with the wonderful patterns of the dark and thick clouds, it was a rich and fine treat to my eyes.....the splendid amalgamation of the wayward smoke and the serene clouds. It was blissful, for it relived the sacrament of the holy matrimony.

The day was special for various reasons and I was plummeted into this the elite and exclusive world of MINE…. A period of introspection, an epoch of my life, a quick zap into my life so far….

Erased from memory
Searching eyes
Group pictures
Combined journals
A pang in my stomach
Sickening rage
The music she sang
No longer resonates
White liles on marble stone
Exquisit patterns in gold
An incomplete lifeline inscribed
An entire existence reduced to dates and numbers
Cold winds make mystic shapes
Fast disappearing flames
Restrained tears
For all the love she could give
She died a painful death
Just to stay alive
Phantom's dreams she sees
A shadow on her shoulder
Lips curve and dimples appear
She turns around in joy
Feeling a warmth
She lives purely in that brief moment
Eyes flutter at the downpur of rain
And as she turns......
"The shadows were a just Passing CLOUD"

''Happy Women's Day"..... Maybe NOT

I woke up this morning and the first thing I hear is a cheery voice wishing my sister "Happy Women’s Day". It was Amma, she looked radiant and happy. Ready to start her day, it was no special day for her she would continue to live her dream of raising two obnoxious kids. Pray that they turn out to be little angels (Wishful thinking?) She is among the countless mothers who continue to affect so many lives in very significant ways. These are women who are part of our daily lives, from our morning tooth brushes to our stress attacks. They make sure it’s all taken care off. What I am trying to get at is how easily we all tend to forget the how much they do for us without expecting anything in return. Women young and old all have one thing in common, an undying spirit.

This spirit has been tried to be caged, raped and killed because this spirit is considered weak. Women might not be as physically strong as Mike Tyson but guess what the first person he probably runs to when he loses a fight, is his mother/wife/daughter... a Woman !!! True that women have achieved great things in life and should be cherished etc.. But the truth remains that women are still a 'different' sex. A sex that is plagued with a history of bloodshed and agony. A sex that is stopped and stared down at everytime they try to do something.

You think you are better. Fine. I will not argue. You think why should I read this I am not the kind of man/woman he is talking about. Fine. I will not argue. But if you say "NO" this is bullshit and things have changed.... then mind u, YOU have a WAR OF WORDS to wage with me.

What does a Women get for being herself?
A day dedicated for her...
What is the point of it, I say?
Reason in the world... Zero!
Swiss woman raped in Spiritual City Pushkar India
Finnish woman raped in Navi Mumbai 2007
Woman raped near Haryana Governor's house Feb 21st 2008.
.....
LIST GOES ON.....
INDIA is not an isolated case....

Sun. 24 Feb 2008 Reuters - In Iran a women was wearing a brightly colored headscarf and high-heeled boots, she was beaten and taken to prison for violating her religion.Africa : Rape and beatings of women seen as “normal”. Rights activists say violence against women in Niger is rampant and remains taboo

NIAMEY, 6 December 2007 (IRIN) - The news that 70 percent of women in parts of Niger find it normal that their husbands, fathers and brothers regularly beat, rape and humiliate them came as no surprise to human rights experts in Niger.

And million other cases including crimes being committed this very second....

Every nation, every country, every state, city or place has witnessed torture against women and it continous to happen...

Did someone just say...Happy Womens day?
I dont think so !!!

"Pearls of Wisdom"

My mother used to ask me what is the most important part of the body. Through the years I would take a guess at what I thought was the correct answer.

When I was younger, I thought sound was very important to us as a human, so I said, 'My ears, amma.' She said, 'No. Many people are deaf. But you keep thinking about it and I will ask you again soon.'

Several years passed before she asked me again. Since making my first attempt, I had contemplated the correct answer. So this time I told her, 'Amma, sight is very important to everybody, so it must be our eyes'. She looked at me and told me, 'You are learning fast, but the answer is not correct because there are many people who are blind.

Stumped again, I continued my quest for knowledge and over the years, my Mother asked me a couple more times and always her answer was, 'No. But you are getting smarter every year, my child.'

In 1997, my grandpa died. Everybody was hurt. Everybody was crying. Even my father cried. I remember that especially because it was only the second time I saw him cry. My Mom looked at me when it was our turn to say our final good-bye to Grandpa. She asked me, 'Do you know the most important body part yet, my dear?' I was shocked when she asked me this now. I always thought this was a game between her and me. She saw the confusion on my face and told me, 'This question is very important. It shows that you have really lived in your life. For every body part you gave me in the past, I have told you was wrong and I have given you the reason why. But today is the day you need to learn this important lesson. She looked down at me as only a mother can. I saw her eyes swell up with tears. She said, 'My dear, the most important body part is your shoulder.' I asked, 'Is it because it holds up your head?' She replied, 'No, it is because it can hold the head of a friend or a loved one when they cry. Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on sometime in life, my dear. I only hope that you have enough love and friends that you will always have a shoulder to cry on when you need it.'

Two years later, when my Father was called to grace the heavens, it was the shoulder of my Mother which me and my sister got to cry on. And till date, my Mother has been the pillar of support & the beacon of light, guiding us through every moment of our wonderful life.

I learned my lesson, that the most important body part is not a selfish one. It is sympathetic to the pain of others.

People will forget what you said.......
People will forget what you did........
But people will NEVER forget how you made them feel...

PS: My mom got this from Natanya Ruth, a pen pal of hers who is based in UK when she was a young. I got to meet Natanya and her lovely family, when she had come down to India a couple of years back. My Mother did tell her about this particular story. Natanya hugged her, with tears of joy rolling down her cheeks. MY MOTHER gradually expounded the doctrine of love, compasssion and humaneness.

"Sambhar of '69"

Spoof on Bryan Adam's..... Me and my whacky bunch of friends have performed this number at various colleges in God's Own Country and an honest dedication to Kunjappan Chettan, our hostel cook..... We have tormented him for 4 memorable years....


Had my first real six rupees,
Stole it from my mother's purse.
Went to a Madrasi hotel,
To eat the Sambhar of '69.

Me and some kadke dost,
Had it all and we got a bad tummy,
Josemon puked, Jabbar got ulcers,
and Bagga ne maari dakar.

Oh when I went back there now,
the food was as stale as ever,
and though it was 1999,
still the sambhar was being served over there,

That was the worst Day of my life.
(CHORUS)

Therez no use in complaining,
when you got no other place to eat,
rushed in the evening to the doctors clinic,
but he too was at the toilet seat, yeah

Standing there waiting outside,
The nurse told me to will wait forever,
Oh!! and when I held my breath,
I knew that I had to use that loo there

That was the worst Day of my life.
(CHORUS)
Back to the sambhar of 69.

Man I was getting killed,
I was full and restless,
I needed to unwind,
I guess nothing can wait forever - FOREVER... NO!

And now the times are changin'
Look at everything that's come and gone
Somethimes when I see pizzaz and burgers
I think about ya wonder what went wrong

Standing there waiting outside,
The nurse told me to will wait forever,
Oh!! and when I held my breath,
I knew that I had to use that loo there

That was the worst Day of my life.

"Mixed Bag"

The condescending voices opened taps of guilt deep inside,
but somewhere even deeper,
rivers of happiness sprang
from the acknowledgement of my true self.

But the happiness,
made me feel guiltier
because no one told me
that it was all right to be happy.

Thoughts running berserk,
pain that drill deep within,
the sense of loss and despair,
weakens, shivers and buries me alive.

Pain within undefined,
tears that fear its path of flow,
weak and fearful to rest my emotions,
I laugh, scream and smile - to hide my cry.

I still have some catching up to do.
I badly need to get
some humour and spontaneity
into my life.

After destiny pushed me from my path,
I realised I was not allowed to die,
I wish I could rest in peace in his kingdom,
His gift was - My LIFE !!

PS: Yo Dude, thanks for saving me, I owe you a Big ONE !!